My Last First Day of School

I don't have my outfit picked out yet, (though, know that is my next task) I don't have my lunch packed in my princess lunch box, I'm not going to hug my mommy goodbye on my way out the door, and I don't have the same nerves I had when I was in kindergarten, on my way to my first, first day of school. (I'm nervous about making this year great, not so much about making friends).

I don't necessarily remember that first, first day, but it did seem to go fast. I remember sitting on my letter on the circle rug, I remember the solo I had in the third grade musical, I remember the 5th grade rose walk and playing survivor during recess. I remember the first day of middle school, the stripped shirt that I was wearing, and the way I couldn't sleep the night before. I remember my dad telling me that nerves were normal and that the next time I would have those butterflies would be the night before I left for college. He was right - go figure. I remember where I was when I heard the news on 9/11, and my first spanish class, I remember getting in trouble during gym for standing at the opposite end of the field talking to Cayla, I remember the field trip to the space center and our science dissections. I remember the slushies at lunch, Inspector Johnson, Ms. Grey's turtlenecks, and Getzel the Pretzel. I remember my first homecoming week assembly, I remember bonfires, football games, and friends. I remember dance drama, awkward boys, Chipotle lunches, and the freedom of being off campus. I remember OC lunch dates, AP US study parties, Christmas Parties at Steven's and movie nights all over the place. I remember going to Cherry Knolls park and knocking myself out, I remember crushes, butterflies, and excitement.

In my 16 years of schooling so far, I've had some pretty amazing times. I wouldn't trade them for the world and I will cling to those memories forever. As I begin, this last year of my school years chapter, I'm determined to make this year the best yet. I'm determined to put aside the job worrying and wondering, I'm determined to put aside the reservations, (to a certain extent) I'm determined to be a confident, assertive, and true to myself. It's going to take courage, strength, and determination, but here goes nothing!

Obsessive much?

So, clearly I'm pretty concerned about the whole Colorado/Chicago question.... I'll try to mix it up. Until those job offers start rolling in anyway... (fingers, toes, arms, legs, body crossed)

The car's packed, the GPS is programed, the snacks are ready, and tomorrow morning we're off on our cross country adventure! Wish us luck and pray for me to be brave this year! :)

The Pit in my Stomach

It's back.

Guess that means school is really starting again. And I'm a senior..... ummmm WHAT? HOW? WHEN? CRAZY.

Every time I go back to school, I get this pit in my stomach. I'd like to say that it's a mixture of nerves, excitement, all things wonderful... but it's really not. As much as I really do love school and as much as Northwestern couldn't be more perfect for me, I am ALWAYS sad to leave home. It never seems like I was home for long enough and it never gets any easier to say goodbye. This time in particular, it's tough.

I've gotten closer to my family this summer. We've always been a tight bunch, but this summer we had a lot of fun together too. I'm not ready to leave that. And as silly as it is, I love my house. I'm not ready to leave that either. As I embark on this final year of my undergraduate career, all kinds of questions and thoughts are swimming in my head. Who knows what will happen this year? Who know where I'll end up? Part of me wants so badly to come home. But just as big of a part of me wants so badly to spread my wings. To stay in Chicago. To try something new. Who knows? Anyway, it's sad to think that while this will always be my HOME, I may never get to come home to this house every day ever again. In fact, if all goes according to plan, I hope I don't. I need to spread my wings. I need to be a grown up. And whether I spread them as far as downtown or to another state, I need to do it.

While it stresses me out to not know, it's kind of exciting too. It's exciting to have options and it's exciting to know that my life will be wonderful, adventurous, and full, whether I'm in Chicago, Colorado, Boston, or Timbucktu.

So as I get ready to drive across the country to my other life, I'm going to focus on the excitement in my stomach instead of the dreaded change. I'm going to focus on making my senior year the best yet, and I'm going to focus on leaving the "rest of my life" up to fate. I'm going to try not to worry about whether I want to come home again or spread my wings.... Either way it will be great because as Jake told Melanie in Sweet Home Alabama, "It's ok to have roots and wings."

All Mixed Up

Today is the last day of my internship and while most interns find that to be exciting and liberating, I'm sad to see it end. It was welcoming, satisfying, and fun in a way I never expected. I could not have asked for sweeter, more fun, or welcoming co-workers and I loved waking up for work each day because I had a real purpose. I had a job to do and people who were counting on me to show up. I was making money and interacting with adults like a big kid. I had a schedule and a routine that was dependable and mature. And when I left the office, my work was done for the day. I realize that's part of the real world that won't always be a luxury, but at least I escaped that feeling that I could/should do more, read more, study more before I went to bed. And every night when I went to bed, I did so feeling accomplished. Not only had I worked hard all day, but I probably also worked out and laughed with my siblings. It was a great way to fall asleep.

As summer comes to an end, and I prepare to head back for my senior year, I'm all mixed up. Part of me is so sad to leave Denver. I love Colorado, I love living at home, I love being close to Lauren and my family, I love my little Lifetime routine. And then, part of me is excited for senior year. I'm excited for the fall and football I missed last year. I'm excited to get back to my own life. I'm excited to get back to my friends and explore Chicago again.

All of me though, is not looking forward to returning to my job as babysitter in chief of 90 sorority girls or running recruitment camp. All of me is looking forward to Janurary 11th when I will be free... Bad attitude? Ok, sorry. I'm thankful for everything being president has taught me, I'm thankful for the strength and tough skin it has given me, and it's fun to be important for a while. I'm looking forward to returning to my friends in the house.

Back to being mixed up... Part of me wants so badly to return to Denver and work at Level 3 next year. The people couldn't be nicer, it's a fun place to work, Denver is SO great, my family would love it..... it's safe. And it's comforting - I hope it's an option. The other part of me though, wants to follow my old dreams and go get a big time investment banking job in some big, cool city. Be it Chicago, Boston, DC, or Charlotte.... A new adventure might be fun. And goodness knows, I want to work in a fast paced, type A, important little investment firm and I want to be successful. I want to be the girl that my friends and Uncle Tim look at and say, wow, she really did it. And part of me wants to stay in Chicago for at least a little while longer. I've said it's my city - shouldn't I really make it mine? At least for a little while?

Part of me can't believe that it's senior year. Where did the time go? And by the way, I could use a couple more carefree and relatively irresponsible years in college. The other part of me is relieved that I've almost made it and so excited to be a part of the real, working world. Though I have to say, being "on my own" and a "real" person scares the crap out of me.

Part of me wishes I was back in Sevilla, and it literally hurts my heart that I'm not. But the other, rational part of me is looking forward to all of the adventures that are sure to come my way and knows that I had my time and it was wonderful, but now it's time to move on and just cherish the memories.

So I'm pretty mixed up. Part of me is stuck in the past, part of me is nervous, but looking forward to the future, part of me is excited, part of me is sad, part of me is scared to death. I'm on the bring of a BIG year. Whichever job I get/choose will set the stage for the rest of my life, and that's nothing short of terrifying. I've lost a lot of sleep wondering and worrying about what that job will be and debating whether I should fantasize about that job being the one in the big city (the one with the cool apartment, lots of travel, studly boyfriend, nice salary, Dugans on the weekend...) or Level 3 (the fun, real, comfortable, one with a Denver loft and mountians/family on the weekend...). I go back and forth on which one I want and have serious anxiety over which one I should dream about. But then, I realize that it's not in my hands. AT ALL. I realize that whatever is supposed to happen will and that right now, I certainly don't have to choose. I realize that whatever happens, whether it is one of those two options or something completely different, it will be wonderful and it will be the right thing for me. I know this. I tell myself this. I'm still working on totally believing this.... I really am excited for what my future holds. A nervous and maybe uneasy excited, but excited none the less.

"be where you are."

I really am trying to remember that and live by it, especially in this moment of my life. I'm trying to soak up my last year of college and just worry about today.