The Real Life Diaries: Perspective.

Draft post: (Circa July 2012) Since I've left Northwestern, "real life" has been nothing like I'd imagined it would be. And the scariest thing is, I've barely started. In fact, some would argue that I haven't. So far, "real life" has been me hanging out at my parents house all day while everyone else is at work, traveling to Baltimore for a week, and desperately searching for a place to call my own. One night, I was particularly discouraged when everything that I had found was either out of my price range or a complete disaster, but then I stumbled across the perfect condo. And when I say perfect, I mean it. The condo was small, but just enough for me, modern and fun, close to home, safe, new, BEAUTIFUL. It was love at first sight. And for a while, everything was working out perfectly. All signs pointed to me. And then, in an instant, there was a problem - a stupid problem, but enough to make sure that I can't have my perfect dream condo.

Last night, we went in search of another and as we drove past all of the ones in my price range, my stomach sank. My mouth was dry and I was desperately trying to fight the tears. Today it's a similar story as I scour the internet praying for my perfect spot to magically present itself. So far: nada. And I can't help but think I'll never find anything that compares to that one perfect spot. I felt so safe there. It was so cool and fun and exactly what I'd imagined my apartment would look like. So what do I do now? Do I settle? When I'm taking out a 30 year loan to settle, it's a lot to stomach. Do I move to Westminster, something I REALLY don't want to do? I don't want to live at home forever - I want to start my own life somewhere. But where? Where to even begin?

Since the last time I went to post and came up with this draft, I've gotten a lot closer to my "real life." Though I still don't feel like a "grown up," I do more than just watch HBO all day; I go to work. And, I'm 10 days away from closing on a condo. That I'm buying. It's not perfect, but is arguably a lot closer to perfect than the modern, tech center condo that I found first and thought was perfect.

There are still many moments of the day when I wish I was still a college kid, and there are still many moments of the day when I wonder why I left Chicago and if that was the right thing to do. While I love my mountains and my family and will always call Colorado home, there is a part of me that knows  that this is my time to be young, brave, single, outgoing.... It's hard to make the most of those things in Centennial. In my parents house. I am so grateful to have them, to have their generosity that lets me save my money, and to have the security and grounding their presence provides. BUT sometimes (most times) I worry that that security and grounding is holding me back. If I were in Chicago, I'd be forced to make friends, to go out, to mingle, to meet new and different people. Instead, I wait around for my high school friends to call me, (which they rarely do) or wait for my parents to call me when they need a ride home. It's not exactly the 22 year-old glam life I'd imagined. I can't watch the Vow, or any other movie that takes place in Chicago without acknowledging the giant hole in my heart, I can't watch the football games without desperately wishing I was there, and every time I talk to Aunt Izzie, I wonder if her life could have been mine one day.

And then I remember that while I miss Chicago, I still have all my wonderful memories, but more than that I have time. I'm only 22 and though I just bought a condo and found a job that I adore, I'm young, I'm healthy, and I have my whole life in front of me. So, maybe someday I'll find my way back. Or, maybe someday, I'll find my own way here. Who knows? That's the beauty of it though, not me. I don't know, I'm not in control of this plan, but I can't wait to see what comes of it.

I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm going to try to live in the present. I'm going to try to appreciate what I have now, love what I have now, savor my memories and be excited for whatever the future brings, but love what I have today. Because tomorrow I won't have today ever again.

Today, Northwestern lost to Nebraska in a total heartbreaker, at the last minute, by one point. I think it will take me a year to get over the heartbreak, so maybe today I wasn't so appreciative of those four hours. But I am appreciative of the fact that I have a football team that I love so much it can cause such heartbreak, and more than that, I am so appreciative that I have so many Nebraska fans in my life that I love to hate when they win. Plus, I had my time last year, when we were all in Lincoln to witness the upset. It's still the greatest day of my life.... 

Lucky doesn't even begin to cover it..

It's funny that I haven't posted since February, but that February title should be today's title. I've been home (at my Colorado home) for one week now, and let me tell you, it feels like it's been a year. I've been grieving all the good things that have ended and I'm finally reaching that place where I can look at a graduation photo or a Camp Kesem exec board application without tearing up and believing that NU and CK are going to be mine again come September. I still get a knot in my stomach, but progress is progress...  right?

The end of my Northwestern career was like a dream. The weather was perfect, the campus was blooming, and the smiles on the campers and counselors faces alike will forever be branded into my soul. Sam, Jen and I stayed up late far too many nights talking and laughing and becoming closer. The Dugan's took me to Vermont and it was one of the most enjoyable, relaxing, and fun weekends I can remember. All of the Kesem counselors blew my mind with their inspiring stories, passion, and compassion....

To say my four years at Northwestern were the very best, is the understatement of the century. Shockingly, I had a difficult time saying goodbye. How do you say thank you to Sam and Jen, the Spain girls, Uncle Tim and Aunt Izzie, Camp Kesem, and the campus and have it mean all that you want to? Those two little words will never be enough.

As I was trying (and failing) to pull it together when I left Rebecca's apartment, Jess reminded me of this quote:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so difficult".

I can't think of a truer statement. Or a more unfair one. Why did I have to say goodbye? Why couldn't I have it all? Why did we all have to go in a million different directions in a million different places? Well, I guess as my last post would tell you, it just wouldn't be as special if I got to be a college student forever. So for now, I will cling to those memories, foster the incredible friendships in a new, and different way, and know that even though I can never go back and have it be the same, Northwestern University will always be home. I'm a lucky girl to be able to say that.

All good things must end.

First of all, let me say that I don't usually abide by that statement. It's just so depressing.

My mom used to say at the end of a vacation, special things wouldn't be special if they were regular. I know plenty of regular things that are special and will never cease to make me happy. Like grande, half skim, half soy, two pump pepermint lattes. Or smiles. Or love.

But, there are somethings that just wouldn't be as special if they were regulars. Like waking up every morning to a beautiful beach, a big breakfast, and a relaxing day. It may take a while for that to get boring, but eventually it would. That's why going on vacation every once in a while gives us so many butterflies we can't sleep the night before. That's why when William asked if Uncle Tim and Aunt Izzie could just go back to Vermont and I could stay with them forever, she told them that I would eventually have to be the one that made them go to school, and do their homework, and go to bed, and eat real food instead of junkfood. She had a point. As great as it was to stay with the boys all weekend, it had to end before it lost all sense of excitement and specialty.

Driving home though, I got that feeling. The one that you get when you spent so long looking forward to something and then it's over and even though it was just as great as you thought it would be, you don't quite know what to do for a moment. It's a sad feeling. I've been looking forward to staying with the boys for months and even though it was exhausting and I needed some me time, I couldn't stop the tears as I drove away.

I love the life and excitement of being with them and for this weekend, I felt needed. It's always fun to feel needed and definitely fun to do something out of the normal routine. The loud, crazy boys were a welcomed change to the annoying college girls that I usually live with.

The scary part of the weekend was thinking about the phone call I received on Wednesday before I left. A job offer from Jason. First reaction? Thank goodness! The search is over and the offer is perfect! Second reaction? I'm soooo not ready for college to end. Third? The Chicago/Denver dilemma will never end. While I was thrilled at the offer, I was simultaneously devastated that it meant I'd be leaving Chicago. And the Dugan's. I know the feeling would be the same had the offer been in Chicago and I was that far away from my mountains and my family, but still. The knot was there and even though I don't see them all the time or even every weekend, the thought of only seeing them twice a year and having to share them then, was a lot to stomach coming off the weekend as I did.

I know that the offer is right. That for now (post-graduation), for some reason, Denver is where I should be... but is it unfair to say that I'm not ready for my magical Chicago life as a student to end? Cuz it's a really good thing.

To be a Little Fish in a Giant Ocean

Some days, I just can't help but doubt myself. Walking around a campus overflowing with leaders, brimming with undeniable genius, and enough confidence to send a rocket to Mars, it's impossible to not feel inferior.

How did I get here? I'd like to think I'm a leader, but compared to my peers, I'm just another regular girl looking for a place in this world. And, how does a girl go from the top of her class, straight A kind of student, to one who is almost brought to tears in the middle of an economics test and praying for a C-? It hurts to be that girl who can't remember the last time she walked out of a test and felt confident. It hurts to go into a classroom or a problem set knowing that it will be another struggle and with what kind of results? I used to think that "the best I can be" was good enough. But when I'm not passing classes and not getting interviews, it's clearly not good and certainly not good enough.

The problem is, I don't know how to be good enough and I don't know what it is that is going to change so that I am good enough. It's disheartening to say the least. I work my butt off and somebody else always wins. So what is going to encourage me to keep going? It's so hard to keep trying again, to keep putting myself up for failure.

I wish I could say that I just know something will work out, but maybe I just need to aim lower. But then again, to me, aiming lower is the ultimate failure. If I can't aim high, then why aim at all? After all, the world is about the biggest pond there is, and in just over 3 months, I'm going to be thrown into that pond, whether I like it or not. How am I going to survive all those sharks? It's scary and to say I need to be brave to do it, is the understatement of the century. It's going to take a lot more than bravery.

So what is it going to take and how am I going to find it?

East Chicago, Indiana

Last Friday brought me back to my European life of traveling on the weekends and seeking adventure at every turn, only in the most American way possible. The people were the same, the adventure was there, and love and laughter abounded. We certainly weren't eating fondue, we weren't mesmerized by beautiful churches, and we weren't taking touristy pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower. It was a different kind of trip than the ones I took last fall, but it was none the less wonderful, hilarious, and a great get-away.

We packed up and hit the road on Friday after class. We had enough snacks to feed an army, a play list made by pros, and enough excitement to carry us through the 5 hour drive. We checked into our hotel, laughed a lot, ate a lot, and of course, gossiped about our crazy wonderful lives. We woke up at 7 to a pitch black sky and were reminded of Morocco. Did we get the time right with the time change? Why were we up before the sun? Who knew? We complained for a while but finally rallied to eat breakfast and watch a beautiful Indiana sunrise. We met some friends and saw what a tailgate really looks like before we cheered our 'Cats to victory and hit the road again.

On the way home, we played hilarious noise games, had serious girl talk, and got lost in East Chicago, Indiana. Who knew that it was one of the top 10 most dangerous cities in America? Where the crime rate is over 200% above the normal average? We certainly didn't, but could tell it was a place we didn't want to be for too long. After the GPS took us to the BP plant and a phantom Amaco, we stopped to ask for the nearest gas station. Not sure that was a place where we should have gotten out of the car, but we did, and we survived. We found the gas station and then the on ramp and then found out about the dangerous city we were just in.

Driving away, towards our beloved Chicago, it was hysterical. Of course we would do that. It's part of the adventure. Guaranteed, when we get together.

My Last First Day of School

I don't have my outfit picked out yet, (though, know that is my next task) I don't have my lunch packed in my princess lunch box, I'm not going to hug my mommy goodbye on my way out the door, and I don't have the same nerves I had when I was in kindergarten, on my way to my first, first day of school. (I'm nervous about making this year great, not so much about making friends).

I don't necessarily remember that first, first day, but it did seem to go fast. I remember sitting on my letter on the circle rug, I remember the solo I had in the third grade musical, I remember the 5th grade rose walk and playing survivor during recess. I remember the first day of middle school, the stripped shirt that I was wearing, and the way I couldn't sleep the night before. I remember my dad telling me that nerves were normal and that the next time I would have those butterflies would be the night before I left for college. He was right - go figure. I remember where I was when I heard the news on 9/11, and my first spanish class, I remember getting in trouble during gym for standing at the opposite end of the field talking to Cayla, I remember the field trip to the space center and our science dissections. I remember the slushies at lunch, Inspector Johnson, Ms. Grey's turtlenecks, and Getzel the Pretzel. I remember my first homecoming week assembly, I remember bonfires, football games, and friends. I remember dance drama, awkward boys, Chipotle lunches, and the freedom of being off campus. I remember OC lunch dates, AP US study parties, Christmas Parties at Steven's and movie nights all over the place. I remember going to Cherry Knolls park and knocking myself out, I remember crushes, butterflies, and excitement.

In my 16 years of schooling so far, I've had some pretty amazing times. I wouldn't trade them for the world and I will cling to those memories forever. As I begin, this last year of my school years chapter, I'm determined to make this year the best yet. I'm determined to put aside the job worrying and wondering, I'm determined to put aside the reservations, (to a certain extent) I'm determined to be a confident, assertive, and true to myself. It's going to take courage, strength, and determination, but here goes nothing!

Obsessive much?

So, clearly I'm pretty concerned about the whole Colorado/Chicago question.... I'll try to mix it up. Until those job offers start rolling in anyway... (fingers, toes, arms, legs, body crossed)

The car's packed, the GPS is programed, the snacks are ready, and tomorrow morning we're off on our cross country adventure! Wish us luck and pray for me to be brave this year! :)