Draft post: (Circa July 2012) Since I've left Northwestern, "real life" has been nothing like I'd imagined it would be. And the scariest thing is, I've barely started. In fact, some would argue that I haven't. So far, "real life" has been me hanging out at my parents house all day while everyone else is at work, traveling to Baltimore for a week, and desperately searching for a place to call my own. One night, I was particularly discouraged when everything that I had found was either out of my price range or a complete disaster, but then I stumbled across the perfect condo. And when I say perfect, I mean it. The condo was small, but just enough for me, modern and fun, close to home, safe, new, BEAUTIFUL. It was love at first sight. And for a while, everything was working out perfectly. All signs pointed to me. And then, in an instant, there was a problem - a stupid problem, but enough to make sure that I can't have my perfect dream condo.
Last night, we went in search of another and as we drove past all of the ones in my price range, my stomach sank. My mouth was dry and I was desperately trying to fight the tears. Today it's a similar story as I scour the internet praying for my perfect spot to magically present itself. So far: nada. And I can't help but think I'll never find anything that compares to that one perfect spot. I felt so safe there. It was so cool and fun and exactly what I'd imagined my apartment would look like. So what do I do now? Do I settle? When I'm taking out a 30 year loan to settle, it's a lot to stomach. Do I move to Westminster, something I REALLY don't want to do? I don't want to live at home forever - I want to start my own life somewhere. But where? Where to even begin?
Since the last time I went to post and came up with this draft, I've gotten a lot closer to my "real life." Though I still don't feel like a "grown up," I do more than just watch HBO all day; I go to work. And, I'm 10 days away from closing on a condo. That I'm buying. It's not perfect, but is arguably a lot closer to perfect than the modern, tech center condo that I found first and thought was perfect.
There are still many moments of the day when I wish I was still a college kid, and there are still many moments of the day when I wonder why I left Chicago and if that was the right thing to do. While I love my mountains and my family and will always call Colorado home, there is a part of me that knows that this is my time to be young, brave, single, outgoing.... It's hard to make the most of those things in Centennial. In my parents house. I am so grateful to have them, to have their generosity that lets me save my money, and to have the security and grounding their presence provides. BUT sometimes (most times) I worry that that security and grounding is holding me back. If I were in Chicago, I'd be forced to make friends, to go out, to mingle, to meet new and different people. Instead, I wait around for my high school friends to call me, (which they rarely do) or wait for my parents to call me when they need a ride home. It's not exactly the 22 year-old glam life I'd imagined. I can't watch the Vow, or any other movie that takes place in Chicago without acknowledging the giant hole in my heart, I can't watch the football games without desperately wishing I was there, and every time I talk to Aunt Izzie, I wonder if her life could have been mine one day.
And then I remember that while I miss Chicago, I still have all my wonderful memories, but more than that I have time. I'm only 22 and though I just bought a condo and found a job that I adore, I'm young, I'm healthy, and I have my whole life in front of me. So, maybe someday I'll find my way back. Or, maybe someday, I'll find my own way here. Who knows? That's the beauty of it though, not me. I don't know, I'm not in control of this plan, but I can't wait to see what comes of it.
I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm going to try to live in the present. I'm going to try to appreciate what I have now, love what I have now, savor my memories and be excited for whatever the future brings, but love what I have today. Because tomorrow I won't have today ever again.
Today, Northwestern lost to Nebraska in a total heartbreaker, at the last minute, by one point. I think it will take me a year to get over the heartbreak, so maybe today I wasn't so appreciative of those four hours. But I am appreciative of the fact that I have a football team that I love so much it can cause such heartbreak, and more than that, I am so appreciative that I have so many Nebraska fans in my life that I love to hate when they win. Plus, I had my time last year, when we were all in Lincoln to witness the upset. It's still the greatest day of my life....
